waterpistols

formspring.me

2010-05-13T20:42:00.001+10:00

ask me stufffs, be nice :) stop the spamming. http://formspring.me/sirmanfa

formspring.me

2010-03-29T16:13:00.001+11:00

ask me stufffs http://formspring.me/sirmanfa

formspring.me

2010-02-28T18:24:00.001+11:00

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/sirmanfa

formspring.me

2010-02-27T19:51:00.001+11:00

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/sirmanfa

Trapped

2009-12-22T00:06:00.002+11:00

I'd like to know how he feels about me. I'd like to know whether I'm wasting my time waiting around, or whether this is worth it. Could this possibly be worth all this? Dreams seem so perfect, so harmonious. I long for them to become a reality. Is there a reality behind these dreams? I don't want to end up chasing my own tail. I've never been one for relationships. But I don't take the single status very lightly. It's bearing down upon me with the burdren of a million lonley days, and just as many lonely nights. I'm not sure I've ever felt like this before. I'm tangled. I'm torn. Torn between so many decisions; tangled within a mess that I just cannot seem to break free from.

My mind is in the wrong place. While it should be on completing assignments for next term, and unwinding from a difficult year, I'm stuck back in the same rut. I truly thought I was free. This gets harder the more restless I become.

typically.

2009-12-01T18:14:00.000+11:00

I sat through the usual drone that is day-to-day life with a real smile on my face. For the life of me, I could not tell you why it is, I felt unusually happy today - most of the day. I suppose that after all the misery and stress anything would feel like happiness. I turned to face an issue I've long (ten months) been running away from. I actually got a little school work done. I didn't have to wait in line for my usual morning iced chocolate. People were nice to me.

Erin had a hospo excursion, so she wasn't at school, and I definately noticed the difference. She's been my best friend for only months, but she's helped me out more than most people I consider "friend" lately. It feels as though it's always been Teaghan and Erin there to catch me when I fall. It's not entirely the case, but it sure feels that way. Teaghan and I have always just fallen together. We never planned it, ever, we just always ended up being left behind by everyone else and being each other's company. Mostly this happened at Jamberoo. I only remember one, maybe two, years that I didn't spend with Teaghan after we were ditched by our "friends", and I was in year six for one of those,which was before I'd even met her.

Things that fall together naturally don't fall apart easily.

It's amazing how small things can be cause for so much amusement. For example, reversing everyone's full names and calling each other by them, then trying to pick which nationality each person then becomes.

dyoll enyaj ahtnamas, renrut eiram nire and droof yoj arat. the coolest kids on the planet.

dyoll = arabic; renrut = egyptian; droof = french :):) be jealous!

the wonders that are life.

2009-11-21T16:31:00.000+11:00

the same people that decided this is where they wanted to be are wishing they could be anywhere else. we dont like committment, perhaps? or is it that we cannot stand feeling as though we are stuck in a place that we cannot escape from? sometimes i wonder whether we will ever be happy with where we are in our lives.
i must admit, im not much happier with my life than any other typical teenager. if that makes me hypocritical, then so be it. im not here to deny my flaws, but to express my opinion; perhaps that is our purpose? simply being is obviously too inadequate an explantion for 'the meaning of life'. or perhaps not? althout it seems simply surviving - though somewhat more meaningful - just does not do the wonders that are life justice. or perhaps the reason of existence is for the betterment of man kind? i believe that could be a short term meaning, then building up to the bigger picture.
hmm, the big questions of life. oh how i love the human brain sometimes.

Fault in design

2009-11-20T23:38:00.001+11:00

Have you ever been faced with a decision that really isn't that tough, though it seems so at the time, only to make the wrong decision? Of course you have. Now tell me, after you made that mistake, did people still call you a good person? Why is it that the people closest to you will remain by your side through so much, when those who despise you would blow that mistake way out of proportion, suddenly making it everyone's business (especially their own). Why is it that the people who mean so little to you - the ones you dislike - also happen to be the people whose opinions matter the most to you? And yet, despite the hundreds (or possibly thousands) of times your friends have told you how GOOD you are, it remains to be your faults that hit hardest? Why should the opinions of people who simply want to see you in pain matter so much to you when the opinions of those who love you can mean so little in comparison? Perhaps it's the honesty of those who try to hurt you? Though we know, sometimes even they lie. Afterall, their goal is simple: to hurt you. Are human minds supposed to malfunction when it comes to emotions, or is this just a fault in design?

Bite that know-it-all tongue

2009-10-15T23:18:00.000+11:00

Im not so sure what was going through my mind when I made that decision, but whatever it was, it wasnt the right thing. For some stupid reason I thought that was what I needed to set myself back on track, but in the end, I just hurt us both. Just another mistake to add to my list. I think Im out of places to write them. If I were to tattoo the mistakes Ive made this year onto my skin, Im not sure Id have much skin left.
Though mistakes are the way to learn, so I guess Ive done a lot of learning. I have to try and get the positives out of all of this. Sure, I hurt some people, including myself, but there are lessons to be learnt. Lessons that I could only learn by making one such mistake. Im discovering new ways to deal with things and becoming stronger and better as a person. Im learning what not to do in particular given situations. Now all Ive got to learn is what would have been a better choice.
I dont regret this. For once, I havent any regrets about this. It wasnt in vain, I am developing through things like this. I may be finding it tough to be happy with myself right at this moment, but give me time and I should be fine. I will take the positives out of this and move on, I wont linger this time. Its about time I grow up and start reacting to situations appropriately. Ill still be my immature, childish self, but Ill deal with tough things a little easier. Of course Ill crack from time-to-time, but Im only human. This will be a good thing.

If only,

2009-10-13T23:20:00.000+11:00

I cant stick to anything. Remind me, again, why do I ever bother? I know I said id be positive; I know I said things would change, but they just havent. Im stuck, stuck in a rut, with walls too steep and slippery to climb. I need to grow before I can escape. Growing takes time. How long am I willing to wait? I have always said Im patient, but Im really not, I see that now. Im also very selfish, Im not happy if I dont get what I want. And stupidly, Im stuck in a position where thats not even possible. Even if I never stand a chance to begin with, its definately a no go considering my current situation. Things need to change before they can get better. I cant just overstep the barrier, I need to take this step-by-step. This is one thing that hasnt got cheat codes and secret pathways. I need to take this one tiny fraction of a step at a time. I need to make sure I consider everything, and if Im still sure by the end, then heck, I might even discover it was meant to be.

Theres gonna be one less lonely girl

2009-10-12T01:06:00.001+11:00

Tonight I have come to realise that I take to life completely wrong. Someone once said to me: "there is no such thing as a wrong approach to life", and Im here to say to them that they are wrong. If you take to life with a frown upon your face when you awake in the morning, you are probably going to have a bad day. And if you think about all the things that went wrong in the day and cry, rather than sleep, tomorrow will worse than today, and on top of that, youll be tired too.
I had a thought of waiting until new years and then amending my ways in order to be happier with my life, but that seemed silly. I dont need to wait for a special occasion, I can make me own. I can set my own deadlines. I dont need to be perfect for everyone, because thats not going to work. I dont need to excel in everything I do; I just need to keep my chin up, keep smiling, and just know that I tried my hardest. Ive been giving everything less than half an effort; then Ive got an excuse, "because I didnt try."I would rather try and fail, then not try and live a life of regret.
A negative person has been showing her face in the world. But Im going to turn that around, because despite what people may say, and despite what people might think, I am perfect the way I am. I am how I am supposed to be. I may not excel in anything that I have tried so far, but that doesnt mean Im not good enough, I just havent found my strong point. I dont need a perfect man hanging off of my side, protecting me on the way, because I am strong as I am. I can make it through anything, and all it takes is for me to be myself.
If I be myself, and then make it somewhere, atleast Ill be happy. If Im not myself and make decisions based on what I think other people would respect, Im not going to be happy with my life. I will get to where I want to be, even if it takes me fifty years. Eventually, I will be everything I wanted to be.
Believe it or not, I just want a simple life. I want to live in a regular sized house, on an average street, with a comfortable lifestyle, surrounded by family and my friends. That is the dream life. I want this life, and I know that if I try my absolute hardest, eventually I can make it a reality. I may not have the sweetest life now, but it can only get better. From here on, I am going to try my very hardest in everything I do. I may be more tired then ever, but the feeling of accomplishment will compensate for that. Goodbye old life, hello optimism, hello happiness.

Stuck

2009-10-03T18:31:00.000+10:00

Something strange, but something true. Its eating away at me slowly. Its taking its time, making sure it hurts as much as possible. If it were possible that you were the cure, would you even try?
Thats the question, now will you answer? Thats my plea, now will you respond. When you go to sleep at night, do I ever cross your mind, because you should know you cross mine. You occupy mine day in, day out. Now tell me that's nothing.
Say it again, I dont think I heard you the first time. What was that? Im confused, you say. Yet here I am, months and months later, still holding on with all that I am. Im the one in the background, hoping for you to be happy, yet selfishly wishing to be the one to do that for you. Does it always hurt like this? To see the one you want so happily with another. Makes you hate them, very quickly at that. They did nothing wrong, only to be the one that he wants, when he doesn't want you.
There's something about that's taunting as if to say "this will be forever, you'll never get a chance" and then when it ends, youre not there anymore. Its time for you to make claim, but youre already gone. They still dont want you, but theyre free, and now youre not. You finally decide that you have to move on, and suddenly theyre exactly as you wanted them, and youre unable to act. You get trapped within a cycle. Now youre stuck. STUCK stuck. Youve got nothing to do, nothing to say, youre trapped within another relationship, still longing for that other.
Now you ask, why couldnt I just wait? Why, because you crave the affection and you were impatient. And now you ask "would things have gone this way if I hadnt tried to move on?" the answer, who knows? This is life, this is a reality, and now you're stuck again. You'll always be trapped between what you want and what's available. That's the way it's supposed to be, but noone ever said you had to like it.

Heres my bright idea, ill just disappear

2009-09-30T21:21:00.000+10:00

Im sick of being walked over and of being treated like a child. Its as if the people I cared about would be happier to just disappear. I feel isolated and alone in crowded rooms. I cry pretty much everytime Im alone. Ive fallen back into that rut that Id promised myself Id never fall into again. Ive failed myself, Ive failed my friends. Deep inside I know people do care about me, but Its just so hard to see. The negatives outweigh the positives: something needs to change. Ive gotten myself stuck here, now I need to get myself out.
I promised, way back when it seemed more important, that I would try harder to be positive and be a good person, but Im gone. Ive hurt people, knowlingly started fights and spread things that should have been kept a secret. I want to make friends that I can rely on, much like what I now have in Erin, and want to be trusted, but I always do the same old things. One day Ill learn, but how long is that going to take?
So many unanswered questions, so many more questions to ask, so much more to consider. Rather than fix problems, Ive been building walls to protect myself, but Im only human and am no good at that. Problems grow and seep over the top before I get a chance to build a strong enough barrier. Right now you could be nodding your head going: "yes, I see what you mean", but youd be wrong. I dont think you actually do understand. Im going to be honest - noone really knows who I am. I dont even know who I am, so how can they?
This is harder than it should be.

Brain function

2009-09-27T21:20:00.001+10:00

This fear, it's overwhelming. I know what's coming, I can feel it as each day draws to a close. Right now, despite the upcoming holidays, Im fretting more than I can possibly put into words. All I have to do is think about and I start to shake, like some sort of freak! I disgust myself.

Onto another topic, I am beyond the point of confusion, this is just frustrating. When I want just a little affection - nothing; but now that I don't want it, I'm getting too much of it. Friday night didn't help one bit. It took me the whole night to make a decision about whether it'd be worth giving a go, now I can't decide whether I'd like to keep it going. I don't want to hurt anyone, which is likely to happen, because it's me, and I do that a lot.

I cannot stick to one topic tonight, my mind is just all over the place. There is probably no sense whatsoever in this blog right now, but I just don't seem to care much at all. I'm in think mode - confused thinking mode.
Am I just seeking affection fullstop, or is this genuine. If not for Friday, I would not even be considering this right now - It's ridiculous. Curse the human brain and its free thought.
All those goals, all those aims, all those opportunities wasted. I could have done something good this year, but I'm just sinking into the same old rut. The one that I can never get back out of. Some mistakes, some choices, they're just not worth the effort.
Regret. Regret. Regret. Why did I make that choice, why did that decision seem so worth it at the time.

This is literally a relay of my thoughts. Everything that crosses my mind is being written down. Like him, and that night, and that kiss, and that opportunity - to take it? I hate being human. Why couldn't I be an otter or something.

I'm off to consider my options some more and attempt to sleep.

It's sad but it's true how society says her life is already over...

2009-09-25T17:38:00.000+10:00

Is it lack of trust or genuine worry? Whatever it is, it's stupid and restricting. I could never be like anyone else, I could never be normal: I wouldn't be allowed. I don't have the usual life. I've never lived in a normal house. I've never had a decent looking car. I've never had clean home. I'm never allowed out past 5pm most days, 10pm for the birthday parties of a guy I've known and been friends with since yr 3, who lives about ten houses down from me. In my life, I've been to one concert with my ex-boyfriend and his father. The last time I went on a train, I was eight, and it was school excursion. And then after all that, my mother and father complain because we get everything we want, when we want it. Chyeah, I don't believe it either.

Sure, we get stuff when mum can afford it, but sometimes I swear she'd rather buy a beer than buy food. Don't get me wrong, I have a good mother, she cares for us, that's why she's so restrictive. But seriously - there is a point where it all gets to be too much. If I had any hopes of being normal, they were crushed when I was born. To top it all off, I'm embarrassed about my life. I hate bringing people to my rubbish-dump replica of a home, I'm afraid to invite people over on special occasions that involve family members because there is always a fight. I'm ashamed of the clothes I wear, the hair on my head, the skin over my body, everything.

And to everyone who says "your life is nothing compared to that of those people in the third-world countries" NEWSFLASH! This isn't a third world country.

I know my blog is really negative nancy, but I only really write when I'm angry, upset or regretting something.

The simple life

2009-09-24T17:49:00.000+10:00

I had all intentions of studying so as to do well this time around. I always do. I get all these wonderful ideas that will make me do well, all these plans of spending time trying to succeed, then...I just don't. After failing so often, you'd think I'd probably put more effort into it, but it's completely the opposite. I just haven't the motivation for school, but I also haven't he courage enough to throw myself into the unknown just yet...

It's always the same, it'll probably always be this way. I sit here complaining about it on my worst enemy: my laptop. Once it's on, that's it - I just can't turn it off. I become distracted from anything else I had any form of intention dealing with. I cannot seem to stay away, I'm a computer addict. I have only ever gone one day without checking my myspace, and even then, I still logged into MSN. The internet is my enemy. I cannot keep myself off of it. If I planned to study, as with this afternoon, I just wouldn't. I know I never should have turned my computer on, but now that it's on, I know I won't be able to turn it off. That's just the way I am.

I never stick to anything. Believe it or not, I had intentions at the start of the year to dye my hair back to red, to become comfortable with myself and try have a more positive outlook on the world; well clearly that didn't work. I just don't seem to be able to stick to anything. I've even tried to be nicer about things and stop lying. I just can't seem to. It's not that I'm a bad person, I just can't change the way I am. I see people around me do it as simple as flicking a switch, but I cannot do that. I struggle even to change my routine.

sunshine

2009-09-23T17:19:00.000+10:00

Sometimes I need more than just a promise, because everyone knows promises can be broken; and if it can be broken it probably will be. Where there's possibility, theres chance - a chance I'm not willing to take. I cannot say for sure that as I am now is as I will be next week, or the week after that. Though I can say there are no visible changes, but not everything is visible.
Some day I'll be swept off my feet, and everything will have meaning again. It probably won't be you. To be perfectly honest, it'll probably never be you and probably never could have been you. I may not ever know, or it could just take a while. Maybe even someone else will take your place - someone who actually cares that I feel for them. Until then, all I can do is wait, and fight on believing that I am stronger than any obstacle that could possibly cross my path. For all I know, I could be.
The saddest thing is, you could read this and you'd never know it was about you, because you don't think of me. I know I can't read minds, but I can read faces. I know you feel confused about me, and think I'm just confused, but that happens. This flaw in humanity that I have discovered and revealed to you, I think it could be something real, if only I existed in your world. I can wish and dream and hope and pray, but I know, one day reality will kick in. Until then, let me enjoy the ride.

Monster

2009-09-07T16:43:00.000+10:00

Human beings are monsters. We destroy everything. Our environment, our lives, other people's lives, even other people. We commit murder, we polute our world and our body with unatural things that were never meant to be there and we target people. We hurt people until they fall, fall to their knees begging for mercy. We hope to God that they don't retailiate with any force greater than our own, but we attack, with brutality, without conscience. We are cruel, heartless and self-centred. Ever wondered why you rush to watch a fight? Those kinds of natural human reactions are what make us so...dangerous. Dangerous to ourselves and everything around us.

Somehow, we keep going through life ignoring these things. We walk around carefree. We don't expect anything strange to happen out of nowhere, we just ignore it all. That, strangely enough, is the beauty of man kind. We have the power to think, to know what words mean. To understand make connections between images and sounds. To decipher to most complex of riddles. We have a power to ignore, to hate, to lie, to care for, to fix and to love. We are gifted, but we take advantage of that. We use our strengths and gifts against everyone else to that point that we can hardly live with ourselves.

It's strange how we can look at something and immediately make a connection and know exactly what i means. Like, for instance, the skin on the back of your hand. If you had a scar, your mind would instantly race to thinking about how you got that scar, subconsciously. If you had a red mark, same deal. We have strong minds. We have capabilites so much more advanced than any other species on the planet. And what to we use them for? To hurt. We would sooner hurt someone we dislike than to help them. You don't cry as you read the obituary in the local newspaper and read names of people you've never heard of before. We are a terrible, terrible species.

We've been given the ability to acquire the knowledge to do good, but we do the opposite. We go to war, we commit murder, we cheat on our partners, we steal from under-priveledged people, we ignore all the problems and just add to them over the years. We will self-destruct.

Feeling?

2009-09-07T16:13:00.000+10:00

Today I couldn't stop feeling like something was wrong and different. There was a different...feeling to the air around me. Pretty much everyone seemed uptight, stressed and over-tired. Perhaps it was just the bad weather, sunny days always do have a more positive effect on a person. Perhaps it was the fact that all the year tens were away at work-placement. Whatever it was, it affected everyone, whether they noticed it or not.

At lunch at school, I spent almost the entire lunch break looking up into the deep-grey sky wondering why nothing feels like it's supposed to. I never imagined high school would feel like this. I always thought that it would be somewhat more mature, I was so much more wrong than I'm willing to admit. Even in the senior grades, year eleven and twelve, there is still so much immaturity. I admit, most of the time I'm about as immature as they come, but it's not the same kind of immaturity that I've fallen victim to.

I never, ever said I had it worst off out of everyone, I happen to know that I don't. I never once claimed I was anything that I'm not. I know I have lied, cheated in tests and stole, but I am not perfect, and I never can be. Like every single other being on this planet, I have flaws. Despite all of this, I still do not understand the very open and obvious dislike towards me. I get so paranoid that people actually do dislike me that I get angry at people for not talking to me and start to ask questions that eventually push them away. When it comes to meeting people, things for me really are...black and white. You either like me, or you don't. But I can't handle it if you don't.

You

2009-09-05T20:46:00.000+10:00

Are filth off the bottom off a shoe. Are a lesser being than the bug also found on that shoe. Are disgusting and nobody cares about you. Deserve to be bullied and targeted. Are a try hard and will never get anywhere. Are obsessive and need to learn to let go of people who don't want to be infected by you. Are pathetic and fat and should fall off the face of the earth.

-True story.

Sure, you can sink my boat...

2009-08-22T23:51:00.000+10:00

You're constantly trying to make a positive impression on people around you, to actually mean something for once, and in doing so you've lost yourself. Somewhere in the great unknown lies the person you were supposed to be. Instead, you're this empty shell of a being. There's nothing to you. Physically you're there but your mind does not cease to wander, subconsciously searching for who you were supposed to be. All the lies that you've had to face up to. The stupid, stupid lies you told to make yourself interesting. You practically don't exist.

You light a fire within me.

2009-08-19T20:08:00.000+10:00

I've been finding it interesting to just watch people lately. The way they interact with others, the sneaky looks that they give eachother, the nasty gestures, the constant backstabbing. I've been watching relationships fall apart around me. Most of the relationships I had formed have fallen apart, and in doing so, allowed me to form better, stronger relationships with other people. The way that man kind works, and at the same time, doesn't work, is strangely intriguing. It sounds ridiculous to say it, but it's the truth.
School is such a negative environment. I often ask myself, "why can't people just get along?" but it answers for itself. People will never get along. Man kind is not capable of such. Everyone does something you dislike in some form or another. Noone is perfect, nor will anyone ever be perfect. When each person has their own interests, of course there are going to be clashes, and they're very obvious if you were to simply observe.
I could literally spend days observing the actions of man, I doubt I would get bored. It's just so fascinating. Not only the negative interactions, but those positive ones too. Like when you see a couple, wrapped ten times around eachother, each swearing they're in love with the other. You can see it in their faces, they really do believe it's love. But it hardly ever is. Lust is a cruel and decieving flaw in human emotion. It leads us to believe we've found that one, and then cruely yanks it all away from us, laughing in our faces.
I'm not completely sure why, but it's always the negative interactions that catch my eye the most. I tend to look away from the lovey-dovey kind, they make me feel sick, angry, explosive. Jealousy will be the death of me, I swear.

Human beings

2009-08-09T23:11:00.000+10:00

There's a failure in design. We're not designed to handle stresses as strong as this, we're not designed to handle loss and fear. We're faulty like a beta version of a program. We cripple beneath the slightest pressure; the same pressure that used to keep us strong. We're not the same as those before us, we're not the same as those after us, we're not even the same as those of our time. God was lazy when he created us, like a sims game that you just couldn't be bothered putting time and effort into. He disregarded the flaws and ignored the clashes. He created a being that was made to fight, but would cripple to fear; a being that was made to love, but would cripple to loss; a being, like no other, that was made to live, but would cripple beneath life. We are faults on the page that is the world. We were created out of haste, to fill up space, to take up time, to destroy this planet if things got out of hand; and now they have. We will stop at nothing to be better than everyone else.

Attack me with your ray guns.

2009-07-21T16:13:00.000+10:00

I never asked to have a perfect life. Perfect is boring, dull, unimaginative, controlling, restricting, inhumane, fake, impossible and decieving.

Why would anyone want to be perfect?